After weeks of zigzagging across Europe—grappling with new languages, wild train schedules, and questionable plumbing—I landed in London, England, and… everyone spoke English. I should’ve felt comforted. Instead, it felt like I had just walked into a Disney theme park designed to look like Europe. Familiar, polished, and just a little too clean around the edges.

It wasn’t that England was bad. It was just… confusing. Silly little cars zipping around on the wrong side of the road, old buildings trying a bit too hard to impress me (“Yes, Big Ben, you’re very tall, now please stop glaring at me”), and history that felt more gaudy museum than lived-in legacy.

We saw all the big sights: Big Ben, Tower Bridge, and the palaces—all impressive, but something about it didn’t click. It felt like I was in a themed zone of Epcot: “Ye Olde England Land.” Even our detours to Bath and Stonehenge felt more gimmicky than awe-inspiring. Stonehenge? Kind of just big rocks. I said it. I won’t take it back.

And then there was the food. Oh boy. Most of it seemed to be invented either as a punishment or a dare. Thankfully, London’s Indian food scene came through like a culinary superhero. Chicken tikka masala might’ve single-handedly saved the trip (and my will to live). Also: shoutout to British chocolate bars, which are next-level and carried me emotionally when everything else was boiled or beige.

I didn’t spot a single gelato shop, and I started to feel the withdrawal symptoms immediately. But what England did get right was pubs. Pubs were cozy, charming, and served actual decent food if you ordered the right thing (usually fries and something deep-fried). I could absolutely get behind sitting in a wooden booth with a beer while pretending it’s raining harder than it actually is.

Would I go back? Sure—if someone twisted my arm or I had a long Heathrow layover. Otherwise, England might be better as a passport stamp and a funny story.

🚶‍♂️ Walk-O-Meter:

6/10
Mostly walked in circles looking for food I wouldn’t regret.

🍛 Local Treat Report:

Chicken tikka masala. Not technically British, which is probably why it was good.

😎 How Much of a Local Did I Feel?

9/10. I understood the language and still didn’t understand anything.

🌴 Things California Never Prepared Me For:

Stonehenge. I thought it would be mystical. It was… round rocks in a field.

🔁 Would I Go Back?

Only if the pub has good snacks and the exit to Heathrow is nearby.